As I write this, I’m crying, to the point it’s hard to see the screen. I have cried three times this week so far. I’ve just read another rejection letter, perfectly and politely written, but more knife-edged than I expected, it seems. I am not a crier, and because something I’ve become a master at weaponizing to my gain has now brought me to tears more than once this week, I can’t help but feel a widening crack in my typically steadfast foundation.
I’m a born ‘if you are denied, then become something that can’t be ignored,’ human being. My mother has always lamented to me and anyone else who’ll listen that I was the most stubborn, difficult, and angry little child because I could simply not be told ‘no.’ It was my way or no way. And, bless her patient and loving soul, she fought me tooth and nail and braided into me the necessary and required-to-function-in-society nuance that comes with being born the cannon rather than the shell—that I must pave my own roads and then make them smooth for travel, because the majority of people we’ll encounter don’t really give that much of a shit about us or making our journey easier. That I must accept that nothing will go my way, because that’s exactly how life is meant to function. That whatever has lead to hearing a ‘no’ or a ‘you’re not what we like’ has been a process beneficial to me in some way, that I have lost nothing and only stand to gain and grow.
For as long as I can remember, if anyone or any system tells me I’m not enough in regards to something I want for myself, I drop everything to work harder than everyone else. I drop my other smaller goals to become exactly what was sought after and more, generally blasting by what I thought I wanted altogether and landing far beyond it into an area I never dreamed possible. It’s just in my bones (thanks mom).
“‘No’ is sneaky like that though, you really have to stay on top of it, and you have to always be a little angry at it in order to outsmart it. If not, it becomes a spin doctor with your thoughts.”
But this year, this month especially, I’ve heard ‘you’re not what we want,’ so bluntly and in such succession that it has sent me into a tailspin that I feel ashamed to be in. Which, in itself, makes me feel even more shame because it’s okay to feel deflated and defeated. I think I feel ashamed because I’ve outsmarted rejection my entire life. My career choice comes prescribed with what feels like a specifically measured dose of rejection, and I’ve learned how to use it to my advantage. I’ve been told ‘absolutely not’ for things I could not have worked harder for and been more proud of, and then used that judgment and rejection to do what I’d done originally even better. I’ve allowed the ‘no’s’ to morph whatever I was going for to become something that unquestionably demands to be seen. But now as I pivot into an area of my career where I’ve been nurturing the soil for years, where I’ve started to plant new seeds, rejection is looking me in the face—it’s grabbing me by the shoulders and pushing me down into my little figurative garden bed, besmirching my blooms before they can flourish and leaving me marred in the process.
I’ve been fighting it for months, but I’m aware that I’m slowly starting to fall into a habitual thought pattern of ‘well, there must be something wrong with me I’m unable to see.’ That that’s why I keep getting told ‘no.’ I’m letting rejection have power over me in a way that doesn’t serve me. ‘No’ is sneaky like that though, you really have to stay on top of it, and you have to always be a little angry at it in order to outsmart it. If not, it becomes a spin doctor with your thoughts. And until now, I was great at at being a little angry with ‘no.’ Now I’m wallowing a bit, I’m letting ‘no’ kind of make me think it’s got presence—it doesn’t. But I think, sometimes, it’s okay to let ‘no’ sting. Let out a tired ‘what the fuck,’ or a shaky ‘geez, okay,’ when we hear it. We’re only human, and sometimes ‘no’ is too great a burden to bear. However, a hallmark of our humanity is that growth comes from struggle; success is always debatable, but growth feels inevitable. I think, when we feel like we’re losing our footing, remembering that we’re going to grow from that imbalance is always something that can help us keep the pull and come back at full capacity, if you will.
In this moment, I feel many of my perceived struggles of the past were probably just little warm-ups, and that now I’m truly in my season of perseverance. A season in which feeling a little softer is allowed, I think, because you can’t keep up the fight unless you’re able to accept, release, and rest. And I mean really accept—accept without a plan. Accept without an ‘I’ll show you,’ edge. Accept. Accept that you were not ‘for’ something, and realize it was not ‘for’ you either, and own the power in that. Anything not meant for you is sure to make you feel disjointed or stressed or what-if-ing somewhere along the way, and part of acceptance is allowing those things to exit your life, and not misconstruing that kind of acceptance with shame (like me) or weakness or despair.
I think in being told ‘no,’ we can let it hit us head on while still knowing we can blow by it in the end. It doesn’t mean defeat to be affected, even heavily so, by rejection. I actually think feigning infallibility is detrimental when dealing with rejection, you really have to exude steadfastness and know it in order to use rejection as a stepping stone. Feigning or fighting for perseverance when you can’t muster it feels like it could lead to being flat out lost in life, or losing your identity because you inevitably end up wearing something that doesn’t quite fit you. So, in your seasons of perseverance, be fallible. Let ‘no’ sting, and sit with it. There’s power in sitting with it and allowing it to exist beside you without letting it affect your worth. Have a good cry, then keep it pushing. That’s what I plan to do, anyway.
So beautifully put, Mariah! Rooting for you! 💘
I'm rooting for you, Mariah! I'm looking up to your fortitude to keep pushing on in the face of these rejections.